simply me taking notes

adventures of people watching and such…

January 27, 2014

Filed under: reflections — sunflower @ 3:44 pm
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I crave closeness
Not physically
I want to develop a bond with some one
But I have been in my shell so long
I don’t know where to start
Or if I can come out of it

 

At this moment, January 8, 2014

Filed under: reflections,Uncategorized — sunflower @ 10:37 am
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I am sad and afraid and it’s not going away

They have crept into my heart and mind

And made themselves comfortable

Made me unavailable and uninterested

And I have run out of masks and places to hide

They always find me

And knowing that makes me want to disappear

 

ghosts of mays past December 29, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — sunflower @ 11:06 pm
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faint smells of yesterdays

irritate the inside of my nose

creating an itch i can’t scratch

bringing me to the point of tears

as i begin to remember

days that i have tried to push to the back of my mind

situational awareness allows me to escape

to the places my imagination creates

so i can fight the triggers that put me there

i don’t know you, but the way you tilt your head

reminds me of the way he belittled me with his eyes

the way he made me feel as if there was nothing i could do

 

to

save

myself

 

i try to avoid department stores filled with mens cologne

in an effort to stop myself from searching

i will always remember that smell

but after breathing in the scents of one display

everything smells the same

and i am angrier now, because i have confused myself even more

i am back to square one

tired and frustrated

 

but i can’t close my eyes

for if i do, i see him hovering over me

and it all comes back

that smell, it may be armani or burberry

cheap whiskey on his breath

attacking me as he enunciates every word

that his feeble mind uses to create a sentence

to take myself away from his torture,

i edit his sentence structure and create my own thesaurus

because that’s what i do when i am scared

i use words and letters to create new things

play on words and phrases escape my mouth

and he thinks that i am mocking him

which only fuels his rage

 

closing my eyes take me back

to the whistles that they passed out on campus

that no one can hear

when lil wayne is blasting through the speakers

finals were done and i came to celebrate

to dance with my friends and commemorate

the end of days and nights that were filled

with lectures,studying,reviewing and testing

the stress of classes ended

only for a different type of stress to begin

i really hate his fucking voice

he may be a lyrical genius, a contortionist of analogies

but his voice only reminds me of the power i didn’t have

 

i have been trying all month not to close my eyes

trying to avoid words,sounds and smells that trip my memory

but they are everywhere

triggers that create tears and invoke fears

leading me to believe that he got the best of me

for 334 days, my mind’s abilities are exceptional

burying my memory and covering it with 6 feet of useless facts

but during the fifth month of the year

it rises from the dead

and i am left to fight ghosts of mays passed

 

 

reflections…a vulnerable piece October 21, 2010

Filed under: reflections — sunflower @ 5:10 am
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here lately i’ve been feeling some kind of way.
tears streaming down my face,
emotions clouding my mind’s space
pacing in a room full of my thoughts
but these feelings are hard to convey
what can i say
even if i could figure it out
you would look at me with a look of dismay

so i keep to myself,a stranger to the world
i don’t want you to know i exist
for if you get too close,
you may see the damaged girl
i can make up stories to explain the scars
but these burns felt so good,
better than these never-ending internal wars

i don’t know if it is self-hatred that i have developed
or a depression that has enveloped
my mind,body and soul alike
but i want to know what it feels like to be alive
to truly live
and not just go through the motions
i can numb myself from the emotional pain
but there are words that should be spoken
if my heart remains broken, is silence still golden?

from the world, i remain disconnected
but being lonely eats at my soul
and i long to meet a woman that i can connect with
thoughts and feelings intercepted
my love is a contagious disease
and if you give me your heart,
i’ll be sure to infect it

i am on a journey of getting to know me
and in doing so, i have realized
my mind is my
worst
ENEMY
deep breaths never prepare me to see
and i’m finding it hard to believe
that the person in the mirror
is
me

 

she is truth September 30, 2010

Filed under: observations — sunflower @ 4:02 pm
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i wrote this about a friend that i developed an incredibly strong bond with…we are one in the same and i truly appreciate her presence in my life

you
are
a breath of fresh air
unlike anything i’ve taken in
simple
abundant
element of truth
almost impossible to come by
contact with pollutants,never-ending
craving to experience something different
refreshing
pure
inhale you to awaken my senses
exhaling, just to inhale again
mind
body
gasping for more as you envelop my mind
reluctant
afraid
but comforted by your inquisitive nature
its hard not to think of you
want
you

 

i want to know what it feels like September 24, 2010

Filed under: reflections — sunflower @ 3:41 am
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i have been confined to my bed for the past few days,and there isn’t much to do from the bed. thank goodness for my laptop and house marathons…i have read so many blogs and learned so many new things. but in this resting state i have done a lot of thinking…for so many years i have been living in debilitating pain that has controlled every aspect of my life from my personal life to my education. i stopped living in 2005 and i have been going through the motions since then. i want to know what it feels like to live…to truly live. for those of you who live in chronic pain, you may have experienced what it feels like at one time or another.

there have been so many times that i thought to myself “what have i done to deserve this?” not only does being ill effect me physically, it drains me mentally. i have committed myself to celibacy and remaining single because i truly want to meet some one that compliments me but one thought always plagues me when my loneliness begins to tear at my soul…”why get into a relationship, when i know i can’t truly give all of me, when i know that i am living on a schedule dictated by pain?” i have been in relationships in the past where i developed a strong bond with the woman, but every time i get worse physically, i begin to withdraw from the relationship and revert to my reclusive ways. i try to pretend as if the being alone and lonely doesn’t hurt but it does…it tears me apart, little by little.

my career has also had to take a back seat to pain. i had to quit my job in the beginning of this week to avoid being fired. the pain has gotten so bad that absence from work was becoming frequent,and though the gm hired me with knowledge of my illness, he wanted to fire me for the same reason.the pain has turned me into an emotional bitch (for lack of a better word.) some days, every little thing irritates or angers me. like today, my friend was just texting me to see how i was but it was annoying me…everytime the phone buzzed, i wanted to throw it against the wall.

i’m not sure if it is self-hatred that i have developed, but harming myself has become a form of dealing with the pain. i cry as i am typing this because i have only openly admitted this to one person and we are one in the same so i know she understands me. i feel as if i have been searching for a way to heal myself for so long that i have to lost the reason to my rhyme, my mind. i have masked my mental and physical pain in a realm of over-medicating, alcohol abuse and self-inflicted pain, knowing that i am essentially harming myself…some days i really need to chase my percocet with a glass of wine. indeed these are quick fixes to numb the pain,but i’m not ready to let go because this is what keeps me going.

i know that people will judge my for my actions and the manner in which i go by dealing with things, but what i do make sense to me.

i want to be normal though, i want to know what it feels like to live.

transatlanticism-death cab for cutie on repeat