simply me taking notes

adventures of people watching and such…

At this moment, January 8, 2014

Filed under: reflections,Uncategorized — sunflower @ 10:37 am
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I am sad and afraid and it’s not going away

They have crept into my heart and mind

And made themselves comfortable

Made me unavailable and uninterested

And I have run out of masks and places to hide

They always find me

And knowing that makes me want to disappear

 

ghosts of mays past December 29, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — sunflower @ 11:06 pm
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faint smells of yesterdays

irritate the inside of my nose

creating an itch i can’t scratch

bringing me to the point of tears

as i begin to remember

days that i have tried to push to the back of my mind

situational awareness allows me to escape

to the places my imagination creates

so i can fight the triggers that put me there

i don’t know you, but the way you tilt your head

reminds me of the way he belittled me with his eyes

the way he made me feel as if there was nothing i could do

 

to

save

myself

 

i try to avoid department stores filled with mens cologne

in an effort to stop myself from searching

i will always remember that smell

but after breathing in the scents of one display

everything smells the same

and i am angrier now, because i have confused myself even more

i am back to square one

tired and frustrated

 

but i can’t close my eyes

for if i do, i see him hovering over me

and it all comes back

that smell, it may be armani or burberry

cheap whiskey on his breath

attacking me as he enunciates every word

that his feeble mind uses to create a sentence

to take myself away from his torture,

i edit his sentence structure and create my own thesaurus

because that’s what i do when i am scared

i use words and letters to create new things

play on words and phrases escape my mouth

and he thinks that i am mocking him

which only fuels his rage

 

closing my eyes take me back

to the whistles that they passed out on campus

that no one can hear

when lil wayne is blasting through the speakers

finals were done and i came to celebrate

to dance with my friends and commemorate

the end of days and nights that were filled

with lectures,studying,reviewing and testing

the stress of classes ended

only for a different type of stress to begin

i really hate his fucking voice

he may be a lyrical genius, a contortionist of analogies

but his voice only reminds me of the power i didn’t have

 

i have been trying all month not to close my eyes

trying to avoid words,sounds and smells that trip my memory

but they are everywhere

triggers that create tears and invoke fears

leading me to believe that he got the best of me

for 334 days, my mind’s abilities are exceptional

burying my memory and covering it with 6 feet of useless facts

but during the fifth month of the year

it rises from the dead

and i am left to fight ghosts of mays passed