i have been confined to my bed for the past few days,and there isn’t much to do from the bed. thank goodness for my laptop and house marathons…i have read so many blogs and learned so many new things. but in this resting state i have done a lot of thinking…for so many years i have been living in debilitating pain that has controlled every aspect of my life from my personal life to my education. i stopped living in 2005 and i have been going through the motions since then. i want to know what it feels like to live…to truly live. for those of you who live in chronic pain, you may have experienced what it feels like at one time or another.
there have been so many times that i thought to myself “what have i done to deserve this?” not only does being ill effect me physically, it drains me mentally. i have committed myself to celibacy and remaining single because i truly want to meet some one that compliments me but one thought always plagues me when my loneliness begins to tear at my soul…”why get into a relationship, when i know i can’t truly give all of me, when i know that i am living on a schedule dictated by pain?” i have been in relationships in the past where i developed a strong bond with the woman, but every time i get worse physically, i begin to withdraw from the relationship and revert to my reclusive ways. i try to pretend as if the being alone and lonely doesn’t hurt but it does…it tears me apart, little by little.
my career has also had to take a back seat to pain. i had to quit my job in the beginning of this week to avoid being fired. the pain has gotten so bad that absence from work was becoming frequent,and though the gm hired me with knowledge of my illness, he wanted to fire me for the same reason.the pain has turned me into an emotional bitch (for lack of a better word.) some days, every little thing irritates or angers me. like today, my friend was just texting me to see how i was but it was annoying me…everytime the phone buzzed, i wanted to throw it against the wall.
i’m not sure if it is self-hatred that i have developed, but harming myself has become a form of dealing with the pain. i cry as i am typing this because i have only openly admitted this to one person and we are one in the same so i know she understands me. i feel as if i have been searching for a way to heal myself for so long that i have to lost the reason to my rhyme, my mind. i have masked my mental and physical pain in a realm of over-medicating, alcohol abuse and self-inflicted pain, knowing that i am essentially harming myself…some days i really need to chase my percocet with a glass of wine. indeed these are quick fixes to numb the pain,but i’m not ready to let go because this is what keeps me going.
i know that people will judge my for my actions and the manner in which i go by dealing with things, but what i do make sense to me.
i want to be normal though, i want to know what it feels like to live.
transatlanticism-death cab for cutie on repeat